It rained during my hike around Norikura Kogen today, and it was a good fifteen degrees Celsius cooler than I planned for, so I took very few pictures of the trip, which I’ll add to tomorrow’s post. But on my 5K walk nearly one mile above sea level, I was thinking about politics for some reason.

I won’t post too much about politics on this blog. This is about my writing, my life in Japan, some soccer, and whatever other fun stuff comes to mind. And if you know me, you already know who I’m supporting this November. No, this post is more about friendships.

This isn’t meant to justify anyone’s boorish behavior on the social networks, especially mine. Rather, I thought it would be a good guide going forward for anyone who engages in heated discussion with friends. I think if you ask yourself the questions listed below when your politics get hot, and you find the answers are acceptable, you should be well covered, and no one, let alone you, should think less of you.

I was thinking about how I’ve lost a few friends along the way this primary season. You learn they support another candidate, then you fiercely defend your candidate, and they end up unfriending you. I promised long ago I wouldn’t do that (I unfriend for other, more personal reasons, but not for politics, something I try not to take personally), so it’s mostly one-way traffic with the unfriend button. Then on a turn downhill, I started to think, “Nah, they’re not really friends then, are they?”

First, before I embrace this line of thinking, it’s best to check my backyard. I mentally made a list of questions, a framework, if you will, to determine where I stood in all of this. And if you ever feel like you might have crossed a line, apply this framework to your own actions.

Did I stay in my social networking space?

There’s a principle on the Internet as old as IRC (when file sharing users would declare their server space as private as one’s home to insulate themselves from FBI scrutiny): what you do in your part of the Internet is your business, and what anyone else does in your part of the Internet is subject to the rules that you set, plus the unwritten rules of decency and decorum. The concept is futile when file sharers were spreading pornography and pirated music, but the premise is sound if you keep to legal activities. As much as possible, unless you’re invited, keep to your own space. If you invite yourself, be as polite as you can. When you’re not as polite as you can, you deserve everything that comes to you.

This covers most of what I’ve said in the last few months with respect to those people I’ve lost. Still, I try to tighten up the framework a little bit with a few more questions.

Was there something I knowingly said was untrue?

Because if I’m just spewing lies and I know it, I’m a bad person and deserve whatever I get.

I don’t engage in lies if I can help it. Next.

Was I being obnoxious to the point of being intrusive and trolling?

I set a rule: I can do whatever I want on my Facebook Wall or Twitter timeline. Anyone who wanders onto my comments thread or mentions is a guest. And I’ll always be as accommodating as possible, but at some point it’s my space, just like my room is my own space. You have to set rules.

So, with one or two exceptions, I’ve done my best not to wander onto anyone else’s social networking space. And if I have, I try to keep to one really strong take and no more. Anything else, and I’m just being a bully.

If this is the standard, I’d like to say I’ve been on mostly good behavior the last few months. Those with whom I’ve been bad, I’m happy they’re gracious enough to keep me on their list. I’m from New York, so I’m not so forgiving.

Was there something I said that was worse than what other people have said?

Again, with a few exceptions, I try to never start fights. Posting a link to my Wall isn’t starting a fight, unless I’m tagging someone to instigate them into saying something crude (and I’ve done that with a lot of Jurgen Klinsmann smack talk). Don’t ever mention anyone who’s not a politician or political operative or famous celebrity by name.

If they ever get belligerent with you, however, then have at it. As much as possible, be calm and respectful, but continue to set limits in your social networking space, so they know they’re out of line and that you’re politely tolerating them, as a good friend should.

If someone comes onto your Wall and says something they shouldn’t, you should tell them they’re wrong. But that’s the general limit. In the end, they are free to mute you. And I’m cool with that.

In general terms, what is often lost in political scraps between friends is self-awareness. Always ask yourself if you are so right and the other person is so wrong that what you have said and done is just and appropriate. In the end, I ask this of myself as much as I would like to ask this of others. If I get overheated, I try to examine whether the other person was up in my space and getting obnoxious. And if I get unfriended, I try to think if I’ve been equally obnoxious based on the guidelines I set above.

99% of the time, politics isn’t a battle between good and evil, right and wrong. If a particular person becomes President, I will whimper about it but I won’t declare the end of the world, and neither should anyone else. It’s just a game, and in the end, you just got to play it better than you did last time around. When you come to that realization, you come to realize that the ends don’t justify the means, that saying anything to win points and humiliate friends in order to get your favorite candidate elected crosses boundaries of decency and appropriateness.

At the risk of sounding tone-deaf, I look back at my own words in the last few months and think that, with the people I’ve lost along the way, I’m not at so great a loss after all. There are friends and there are “Facebook” friends. Even if a person I knew face-to-face decided my politics was a dealbreaker, then maybe we shouldn’t have been friends in the first place.

Conversely, I’ve learned to be immensely grateful for all the friends who have tolerated me over the years, with politics and soccer and teaching and whatever. Just as intimate relationships are about people taking turns being in control, casual friendships are about people taking turns tolerating each other’s obnoxious attributes so that they can enjoy each other’s valuable time and company.

At the end of the 5K, as it started to really rain, I came to the conclusion that I’d rather not be hassle-free. No one is, yet many look for relationships, both friendly and intimate, that are free of burdens and warts and problems. People should stop doing that. It’s too much to ask of others, and none of us are so good and righteous that we deserve such a big ask.

When we realize that, we are free to fiercely pursue and advocate our passions, within the boundaries of decorum defined above. I’ll post my memes for my candidate while others post memes for theirs. And if that invites heated discussion in my space, I’ll step in and moderate when necessary. That may bother some, but the day they stop being my friends won’t be because I forced them to. And if they do click that button and remove me from their list, I will come to the realization rather quickly that their decision should have zero impact on my day. In the end, I’ll still have my true friends.